On Existence

9 07 2009

It has been a long time since I wrote a true philosophical post, and I doubt anyone will come across this, but I am writing it anyway.

We are born in darkness, only becoming conciously aware when we are capable of remebering  what we percieve. At first, the only signs of life are base involuntary rythms of life. Soon however we show ourselves as truly aware, sentinent beings. We are however born in ignorance. We begin learning things based on experience and what our senses inform us, such as a hot surface will cause pain in the form of a burn.

We begin to recieve an education to accomodate our growing mind and increased intelligence. It can start out as your parents teaching you to stop shitting yourself and use the potty and then onwards to schooling and maybe even preaching. Often we just blindly accept these things, these laws, these rules. We learn it is much easier to follow an established road than to carve our own.

Some of us question these things. I did not for a long time until I caught myself in my own stupidity. This gave me a period in my life of feeling lost and confused after losing my crutch, like a sucker punch to the gut.  And then after finding the writings of the man I call my mentor I decided to seek answers for myself.

Having no boundaries of black and white, I soon became lost in the grey. I realized I could only see from my perspective and my own perception. Even if I manage to see the other sides, it all amounts to what my opinion becomes and unless I make it uniform as either right or wrong, I still find it without any meaning.

Can you seek out happiness in life and be content? Of course, because it will have meaning to you. Can you lose it? Yes, I lost it almost a year ago now. Can you find it again? I would think so, but for me I think not. I am content to slowly poison myself with sweet sweet cancersticks. Really the only thing that bothers me anymore is the slow passage of time, taking an eternity to reach a desired point, only to have it pass in the blink of an eye.

Besides self satisfaction, what makes something worth anything? Is it sharing the memory with someone close to you, that you care for as my old friend Saul told me? I do not know, as that concept has become lost to me. Except for those memories I hold dear of course.

Does everything come to an ultimate end? Would that make everything meaningless? Do we continue forever, and would it be worth it? How would we continue forever? The only ones I see content with that are those who follow an established doctrine, often one that seems a form of slavery to me. But you cannot judge someone elses happiness……

Why do we fight, harm, and destroy? Why spread sorrow? There are those who feed off of others sorrow. Are we just some spectacle for some higher being? Are we being played like pawns in a game? Is everything predestined or do we have control of our own destiny?

Why are some born to good circumstance and others to terrible circumstance? This automatically throws someone into an existence of either happiness or pain and sorrow. Of course you can rise or fall to the situation, but this still does not explain the gap in equality.

There are so many more concepts to ponder in this existence, this existence gone in a ridiculously small period in the grand scheme of infinity.

I only hope that I am only the few who are lost, especially ones who had something to lose.

“I saw my kingdom in all its glory, atwitter like a golden light, all gone and utterly destroyed in a matter of moments.”


Death Incarnate: My Road To Hell

11 05 2009

So dare you ask, what nightmares plauge me? Of love won and love lost, of life and death in the heart? Oh how I fell, hitting the dirt so hard. Oh how I wept at the sorrow growing within. Why I ask? Why the fuck do you rob me of the only happiness I’ve had since my depression? Am I merely a plaything for Your amusement? Do you smile at my destruction? Does my pain feed your joy?

So perhaps I had gotten over my loss…..until the dreams returned, and a simple message from prophetshands that I just found today. Who could it be but none other than my heart’s desire? Do you come seeking to repair what you’ve done? Or do you come to plant that final stake into my heart? Or maybe you just want my friendship, which you also cast away at the time of our sundering.

I tell myself I care no more, I can move on, that I feel no more pain. But I was wrong. The very first true love I could ever have departed, leaveing me all alone again.

Maybe my life means nothing in this world, perhaps I should finally accept reapers conclusion that my dream is a delusion.

Can I ever go back and save our bond? Can the love ever be repaired? Will I ever see your beautiful face again? Why do questions such as these plague my heart? I miss your sweet embrace….

I pray for death, I pray for life, I pray for love won and love lost.

If it can be repaired or even started over I would have hope again. But for now I must silently suffer and pray my misery ends.

Somehow I haven’t been discovered concerning my school work. The deadline is May 22nd, the day of my death is set lest a miracle be found….


27 04 2009

Should I even try to describe what happened to me somewhere around october? Its something doctors like to call “slipping into another dimension” or “we really dont fucking have a clue, lets prescribe experimental drugs!”. Besides all the orbs, demonic shadowflame dogs in front of the church down the road, driving at 120 mph in the middle of the night while blacked out and still ending up a few miles away even with all the curves/normal road hazards, flipping my car over without getting scratched, walking through a field of sandspurs without getting scratched (the field is where my car landed), getting eaten alive my mosquitos without getting any bite marks, arriving at a strange house with supernatural powers, talking to the spirits of deceased people, and yes this even went on into when i was commited to a hospital or what I liked to think of as a “insane asylum”.

Okay you might be wondering what the hell that was about. Well it is kinda hard to explain in a linear fashion everything I experienced in that other dimension. I also developed Tony Montana’s accent after watching Scarface among other things. Not to mention the strange power of the full moon or me being a real werwolf (ironically my pic for this blog is a werewolf).

i spent at least 30 days at the hospital for rehabilitating otherwise normal youths (aside from the wrist cutting, drug addiction ect.). On the other side of the place was the adult section full of people weirder than anything I’ve ever seen. And we alway had to see them at the cafeteria, one day a woman who reminded me of K with a mustache was behind me and I asked her name, which she didn’t know.

these events are what led up to me being screwed out of college and ending up on a horrendous homeschool program that uses the ol’ comp. Now I am completely unable to finish my work and time is running out as of May. not to mention they are checking my progress sometime this week to inform my parents as to where Im at.

So when they find out my doom will be complete.

i also have to see a doctor every month and take medicine every night. I havent taken my medicine for two months and nothing bad has happened, so Im thinking their diagnosis of “bipolar” was a term meaning “we really dont know what happened or what you experienced but it scared the shit out of us”.

Oh yeah, many objects I acquried disappeared (even a rock i found in my room when i got home after my all night stay at the supernatural house after flipping my car that i locked in my lockbox disappeared). Even the red bandana K should remember in my car disappeared, after my step grandma got it out and stuck to my lower left stomach area.

whew im done for now, try to decipher the above best you can, i still dont understand what the hell Im supposed to get out of all this.


16 04 2009

How have I been. Like it matters. Ive been left to waste away in my own misfortune. This darkness consumes my soul and my heart is overtaken too. Everyday is a battle, I fight my own desires like Im my own worst enemy. I wont tell you what desires because they are too gruesome. And My Grand Dream has been shattered (tho I cant seem to give it up, sadly). I wish this darkness would just consume me and return me back to the Void, to nothingness, to reaper the bane of my existence.

I wanted to be a good guy ya know. But damn if Im not so corrupt. I pray for a swift death everyday. I cant even mention the failures in my “Real” life. I fear the guilt and disappointment will crush me. I cant bear to face my parents when judgement day comes and they finally realize how I will most likly fail the 12th grade.

But I havent even told you the story of what happened to me at the last half of last year that sent me sprialing out of my good life at college and whatnot to this hell. But then again, I worked so hard to get into college because of her. Without the motivation, the state I went in where my heart took over and led me down an insane path in the middle of the night, no wonder I couldnt handle the stress.

Please forgive me, I know I once led you to darkness too, what a fool I was, if only my light were in control. Id probably still be next to you. I can never forget the first time you took my hand and pulled me next to you, or the first attempt at a kiss (you missed).

Kill me because its beneath me to do it myself.

emo are the cigars im addicted to, as I must seem now. But please understand, its a hard life Im going through. Intelligence is a curse, insanity a mixed blessing/curse, and life the biggest dot (damage over time for non-wow head) there is.

Burning Bridges

10 12 2008

On the run from his hun the bridges of past sorrow, on wings of melancholy

Cut my wings and make me run, the bridges ignite

At the force of the runner’s passage

Goodbye past, hello future

The poet burned all the bridges, now there is only

the straight and narrow path to…….




For Your Eyes Only, old lady hahahahaha

9 11 2008

check this shit out she who must not be named here


others may read if they think they got the cajones to bear through it

this shit is truly EPIC


you have been warned here is the link



How to Seek?

7 11 2008

For eyes are a weak tool to navigate the darkness.

Are my eyes deluded?

Or am I simply blind to things as I stumbled through the dark?

should I see with my heart, torn asunder in all its glory?

Who am I?

raxnae the poet

reaper of souls

Or am I the me I always have been?

Draxiss d’arc Dragon awakened at last?

The dragon that breathes life into the void?

Must I complete the circle of infinity alone?

Or shall the retarded masses try to take my life again?

Too bad they don’t stand a chance, not even my own negative.

For what though?

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?

allu belore dela’nah bitches