On Existence

9 07 2009

It has been a long time since I wrote a true philosophical post, and I doubt anyone will come across this, but I am writing it anyway.

We are born in darkness, only becoming conciously aware when we are capable of remebering  what we percieve. At first, the only signs of life are base involuntary rythms of life. Soon however we show ourselves as truly aware, sentinent beings. We are however born in ignorance. We begin learning things based on experience and what our senses inform us, such as a hot surface will cause pain in the form of a burn.

We begin to recieve an education to accomodate our growing mind and increased intelligence. It can start out as your parents teaching you to stop shitting yourself and use the potty and then onwards to schooling and maybe even preaching. Often we just blindly accept these things, these laws, these rules. We learn it is much easier to follow an established road than to carve our own.

Some of us question these things. I did not for a long time until I caught myself in my own stupidity. This gave me a period in my life of feeling lost and confused after losing my crutch, like a sucker punch to the gut.  And then after finding the writings of the man I call my mentor I decided to seek answers for myself.

Having no boundaries of black and white, I soon became lost in the grey. I realized I could only see from my perspective and my own perception. Even if I manage to see the other sides, it all amounts to what my opinion becomes and unless I make it uniform as either right or wrong, I still find it without any meaning.

Can you seek out happiness in life and be content? Of course, because it will have meaning to you. Can you lose it? Yes, I lost it almost a year ago now. Can you find it again? I would think so, but for me I think not. I am content to slowly poison myself with sweet sweet cancersticks. Really the only thing that bothers me anymore is the slow passage of time, taking an eternity to reach a desired point, only to have it pass in the blink of an eye.

Besides self satisfaction, what makes something worth anything? Is it sharing the memory with someone close to you, that you care for as my old friend Saul told me? I do not know, as that concept has become lost to me. Except for those memories I hold dear of course.

Does everything come to an ultimate end? Would that make everything meaningless? Do we continue forever, and would it be worth it? How would we continue forever? The only ones I see content with that are those who follow an established doctrine, often one that seems a form of slavery to me. But you cannot judge someone elses happiness……

Why do we fight, harm, and destroy? Why spread sorrow? There are those who feed off of others sorrow. Are we just some spectacle for some higher being? Are we being played like pawns in a game? Is everything predestined or do we have control of our own destiny?

Why are some born to good circumstance and others to terrible circumstance? This automatically throws someone into an existence of either happiness or pain and sorrow. Of course you can rise or fall to the situation, but this still does not explain the gap in equality.

There are so many more concepts to ponder in this existence, this existence gone in a ridiculously small period in the grand scheme of infinity.

I only hope that I am only the few who are lost, especially ones who had something to lose.

“I saw my kingdom in all its glory, atwitter like a golden light, all gone and utterly destroyed in a matter of moments.”