Death Incarnate: My Road To Hell

11 05 2009

So dare you ask, what nightmares plauge me? Of love won and love lost, of life and death in the heart? Oh how I fell, hitting the dirt so hard. Oh how I wept at the sorrow growing within. Why I ask? Why the fuck do you rob me of the only happiness I’ve had since my depression? Am I merely a plaything for Your amusement? Do you smile at my destruction? Does my pain feed your joy?

So perhaps I had gotten over my loss…..until the dreams returned, and a simple message from prophetshands that I just found today. Who could it be but none other than my heart’s desire? Do you come seeking to repair what you’ve done? Or do you come to plant that final stake into my heart? Or maybe you just want my friendship, which you also cast away at the time of our sundering.

I tell myself I care no more, I can move on, that I feel no more pain. But I was wrong. The very first true love I could ever have departed, leaveing me all alone again.

Maybe my life means nothing in this world, perhaps I should finally accept reapers conclusion that my dream is a delusion.

Can I ever go back and save our bond? Can the love ever be repaired? Will I ever see your beautiful face again? Why do questions such as these plague my heart? I miss your sweet embrace….

I pray for death, I pray for life, I pray for love won and love lost.

If it can be repaired or even started over I would have hope again. But for now I must silently suffer and pray my misery ends.

Somehow I haven’t been discovered concerning my school work. The deadline is May 22nd, the day of my death is set lest a miracle be found….

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3 responses

18 05 2009
vacillate

What was the message you got?

4 06 2009
decemberspirit

I know what you mean; nightmares of issues concerning our past can attempt to ruin our present by haunting us in the night, when our minds and emotions are at their most defenseless, just when we had thought we were through and done, and had emerged from the darkness.
The only thing to be done is to accept that our past is our past, and it may leave a mark forever on our characters, lives, etc…The trick is not only to live with it, but embrace it as part of our path. I have nightmares concerning my past, and, upsetting as they are at the time, they serve to remind me of how things were, and how I am delivered from them now. They remind me that bad times pass.
They also remind me, in my case, to always research things properly, and never plunge into anything without having looked a it from every aspect…

4 06 2009
decemberspirit

I know the following may not be what you want to hear, but I feel it must be said, as I do not know if anyone else has said it : As your past relaionship is over now, it appears it was not meant to last forever. I don’t know if you believe in fate, but I believe that when something happens, then it was going to happen from the beginning.
Stop fighting your past life, and start living your present one. This is the only Earthly life you get.
I do understand that what you went through was heart-rending…But seeing as you have tried to reconcile that aspect of your life and have failed, perhaps now it is time to seek out other avenues.

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