Darkness

16 04 2009

How have I been. Like it matters. Ive been left to waste away in my own misfortune. This darkness consumes my soul and my heart is overtaken too. Everyday is a battle, I fight my own desires like Im my own worst enemy. I wont tell you what desires because they are too gruesome. And My Grand Dream has been shattered (tho I cant seem to give it up, sadly). I wish this darkness would just consume me and return me back to the Void, to nothingness, to reaper the bane of my existence.

I wanted to be a good guy ya know. But damn if Im not so corrupt. I pray for a swift death everyday. I cant even mention the failures in my “Real” life. I fear the guilt and disappointment will crush me. I cant bear to face my parents when judgement day comes and they finally realize how I will most likly fail the 12th grade.

But I havent even told you the story of what happened to me at the last half of last year that sent me sprialing out of my good life at college and whatnot to this hell. But then again, I worked so hard to get into college because of her. Without the motivation, the state I went in where my heart took over and led me down an insane path in the middle of the night, no wonder I couldnt handle the stress.

Please forgive me, I know I once led you to darkness too, what a fool I was, if only my light were in control. Id probably still be next to you. I can never forget the first time you took my hand and pulled me next to you, or the first attempt at a kiss (you missed).

Kill me because its beneath me to do it myself.

emo are the cigars im addicted to, as I must seem now. But please understand, its a hard life Im going through. Intelligence is a curse, insanity a mixed blessing/curse, and life the biggest dot (damage over time for non-wow head) there is.

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7 responses

16 04 2009
decemberspirit

To all those who have been wronged : The best revenge is living well…
I know it is far easier said than done, and it certainly cannot be done overnight…But it is true.

16 04 2009
Vacillate

Well.. I understand this person was everything to you! but you should try to make yourself more important and take action to do what is best for you.. Try to find motivation in that you are a human and have a life worth living. Sometimes when you see no light but push and keep pushing you will see the light and then understand that it was only a bend in the road you were going threw.. I dont know if I am being clear. But try to come up for some air and continue with your dreams for you! Because you should always do things for yourself first- cause when you do stuff for others and they suddenly are not there things do crash.. But when it is for you it all changes- it all takes on a different part of you!
Good Luck!

17 04 2009
decemberspirit

By the by, do you still have a bit of the semester left and a few exams still to go? I am not sure how your schooling system works but if you do have a couple of tests left which count towards your grades I give you one word: Cramming! I did it all the time, and double time when I was in my last year at university and not only was so fed up with my course I couldn;t bring myself to study but was also daydreaming constantly about my one and only and didn’t focus that much…Anyway, yeah I crammed for 2 days before each exam, relied on mnemonics and visual memory (where I would skim over the last few pages right outside the exam hall door, then look for the questions relevant to them immediately and answer them first while I still had them fresh visually speaking) and I did quite well considering…
But above all, do it for yourself, not out of fear of your family. I know how it is when you don’t want to disappoint them, but they will accept things in the end and as long as you are safe they won’t think it is the end of the world. Do it for you and your future…

24 04 2009
decemberspirit

Ok dude, vacillate and I are going to keep hounding you till you get back to blogging and we see you start to heal…I said get back to blogging and I meant it! I don’t mean to sound annoying but we are concerned for you…

25 04 2009
Vacillate

more!!! keep the writtong up..

25 04 2009
Vacillate

writting

25 04 2009
Vacillate

writing.. blergh..

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