27 04 2009

Should I even try to describe what happened to me somewhere around october? Its something doctors like to call “slipping into another dimension” or “we really dont fucking have a clue, lets prescribe experimental drugs!”. Besides all the orbs, demonic shadowflame dogs in front of the church down the road, driving at 120 mph in the middle of the night while blacked out and still ending up a few miles away even with all the curves/normal road hazards, flipping my car over without getting scratched, walking through a field of sandspurs without getting scratched (the field is where my car landed), getting eaten alive my mosquitos without getting any bite marks, arriving at a strange house with supernatural powers, talking to the spirits of deceased people, and yes this even went on into when i was commited to a hospital or what I liked to think of as a “insane asylum”.

Okay you might be wondering what the hell that was about. Well it is kinda hard to explain in a linear fashion everything I experienced in that other dimension. I also developed Tony Montana’s accent after watching Scarface among other things. Not to mention the strange power of the full moon or me being a real werwolf (ironically my pic for this blog is a werewolf).

i spent at least 30 days at the hospital for rehabilitating otherwise normal youths (aside from the wrist cutting, drug addiction ect.). On the other side of the place was the adult section full of people weirder than anything I’ve ever seen. And we alway had to see them at the cafeteria, one day a woman who reminded me of K with a mustache was behind me and I asked her name, which she didn’t know.

these events are what led up to me being screwed out of college and ending up on a horrendous homeschool program that uses the ol’ comp. Now I am completely unable to finish my work and time is running out as of May. not to mention they are checking my progress sometime this week to inform my parents as to where Im at.

So when they find out my doom will be complete.

i also have to see a doctor every month and take medicine every night. I havent taken my medicine for two months and nothing bad has happened, so Im thinking their diagnosis of “bipolar” was a term meaning “we really dont know what happened or what you experienced but it scared the shit out of us”.

Oh yeah, many objects I acquried disappeared (even a rock i found in my room when i got home after my all night stay at the supernatural house after flipping my car that i locked in my lockbox disappeared). Even the red bandana K should remember in my car disappeared, after my step grandma got it out and stuck to my lower left stomach area.

whew im done for now, try to decipher the above best you can, i still dont understand what the hell Im supposed to get out of all this.



16 04 2009

How have I been. Like it matters. Ive been left to waste away in my own misfortune. This darkness consumes my soul and my heart is overtaken too. Everyday is a battle, I fight my own desires like Im my own worst enemy. I wont tell you what desires because they are too gruesome. And My Grand Dream has been shattered (tho I cant seem to give it up, sadly). I wish this darkness would just consume me and return me back to the Void, to nothingness, to reaper the bane of my existence.

I wanted to be a good guy ya know. But damn if Im not so corrupt. I pray for a swift death everyday. I cant even mention the failures in my “Real” life. I fear the guilt and disappointment will crush me. I cant bear to face my parents when judgement day comes and they finally realize how I will most likly fail the 12th grade.

But I havent even told you the story of what happened to me at the last half of last year that sent me sprialing out of my good life at college and whatnot to this hell. But then again, I worked so hard to get into college because of her. Without the motivation, the state I went in where my heart took over and led me down an insane path in the middle of the night, no wonder I couldnt handle the stress.

Please forgive me, I know I once led you to darkness too, what a fool I was, if only my light were in control. Id probably still be next to you. I can never forget the first time you took my hand and pulled me next to you, or the first attempt at a kiss (you missed).

Kill me because its beneath me to do it myself.

emo are the cigars im addicted to, as I must seem now. But please understand, its a hard life Im going through. Intelligence is a curse, insanity a mixed blessing/curse, and life the biggest dot (damage over time for non-wow head) there is.