Losing It All (Slowly as Hell with a Small Ass Thread of Hope Making it Ever So Slower)

20 08 2008

You think during the times right before you’ve found something special that you are lost. It is nothing compared to the feeling of being lost when you lose that something special. It only gets worse when it has a small chance to survive but the lines of communication are severed and you just ave to watch and wait, always scared shitless that that last thread of hope will just disappear!

I’m in that position right now and boy, I have never been so lost as I am now. Worst of all it was the only thing I cared about, truly the only thing I thought worth living for. I had found this special thing two years ago, and through thick and thin have gotten to a rather good point in my opinion, but woe is me as some dramatic shakespearian actor proclaims, time strained it to the point where it got too thin, and my arrogance cost me seeing it in time to do anything about it.

But even though you realise that a lot of the shit was your fault and you have just learned how to change that, the thing you have just fucking cuts you off. That really screws up your cheerios. and you cant even be mad at them for it either, not really even though you will say some mean things at first. The problem is that you see how much that thing means to you, even more so when it is lost. And when that small thread dangles in front of you just out of reach only by simple communication, you are truly one fucked and unlucky individual.

You start thinking back at all your little mistakes, seeing how you could and would do better if only the chance came back. People start bothering you by telling you to let it go and use that to your advantage in the next instance, but you being your stubborn self only want what you already had, but truly why not? I mean you’ve already got the relationship, you’ve already proved you could work shit out, and so much more.

You being talking and pleading with unknown beings with the rough term “god” saying please oh please you are the only thing that can help me get another chance blah blah. and truly only some divine weird out of the ordinary miracle could possibly save your ass at this point because the thing you had probably has long forgotten it ever cared for you. You were the curb of the self destructive attitude, but when you cant be there because of intentionally severed communication the thing is free to implode as it sees fit.

Everything was against you and the thing working out, but you perservered, improving what you had to the point that you could actually imagine it all falling into place. And then it gets shattered, you left with a bleeding hand picking out the glass shards of failure.

this is the inevitable frailty of man




4 responses

23 08 2008

DT, don’t lose hope. I suspect you’re in the exact situation I was a few months ago. People can forgive things and come back if the bond is strong enough, even if it seems near-impossible. Good luck.

26 08 2008

ah, love won, love lost, love gone forever, love rekindled, human drama of an epic proportion staged in ones own being, sadly, the being is decayed. hope is something i would destroy if only my heart would allow for it.

7 09 2008

Hello. Don’t know if you remember me, but I’m the guy who had that Winnower blog.

I went through the same sort of experience, around the same time a friend did (though much milder). Came out clearer, happier, and more excited than ever. Stuff like this forces you to stand on your own more, and in the end you’ll be stronger for it.

15 09 2008

I don’t know if you remember who I am but I feel for you, and wanted to let you know that there are people out there thinking of you and sympathising…Not that you want anyone’s sympathy right now, but i think it helps to know about it…I am so sorry things happened like this…I never expected it and I actualy cried about it yesterday when I found out. Take care of yourself, even though that can seem pointless…It isn;t. My husband would be more than happy to talk if you need someone to talk to. If so just drop me a line…

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